I think this photo came at the right time, and I think it’s more than enough to express how I feel.
You see, all of this isn’t easy, and explaining everything that goes on in my head will never be easy. No one will ever understand because no one has ever spent at least twenty-four hours as me and exactly me. But if there’s one thing I know I can always do and do well, it’s focusing on other people. Infecting others with happiness. Throwing bombs of laughter at other people’s faces.
Let me say it like this: you see, when I was a kid, my mom had this store, and there are times when I had to watch over the store and sell stuff whenever customers would come by. The only rule my mother gave me was not to eat anything at the store because they were all for sale and were for customers only; that if I ever need something to eat, I should just go to the kitchen and grab some grub instead of eating things from the store that are meant for customers and only the customers. And that’s the thing: you have something, but you’re not allowed to have it. It’s intended for other people.
And that’s what I’m good at. I’m a mess, a mental wreck, and honestly I have no idea what to do with myself so I sell happiness, and a helping hand, free of charge, even if I end up having none of it in the end. They say you can’t give what you don’t have, but I think they’re wrong. I figured if I helped enough people, made them laugh hard enough and just gave them enough of my time, it would distract me from the real issue pushing me down, which is my mind. It didn’t matter if I still had to go through my own problems alone. The fact is that as long as I was being thoroughly distracted by other people, I was perfectly okay. I guess now I know I was wrong; that I could lean on my friends as much as they’ve been leaning on me, even if it’s all new to me and I’ve been so used to riding solo when it comes to my problems.
I shouldn’t think this way. No one should think this way. Everyone should be able to at least get a taste of the happiness they’re selling to other people.
Perhaps this is also why I take great pride in my loyalty, because in all honesty, it’s really all I can offer my friends that’s worth anything.